Wow, this is actually really telling.
As in, this is an insightful quote, showing us how this TERF sees the world and other people. And it is bleak.
Nobody sees transwomen as women, not even other transwomen. When you ask people on trans forums whether you pass or not, they generally lie. They may lie because they do not pass themselves and they would like someone to tell them that they do, so they pay it forward in hopes that you will do the same for them one day. And you probably already have. They think lying to you is kind. Lying is never kind, even when the truth is painful and harsh.
I’d even say there is some truth to this, at least (even if the interpretation is wrong, and the first sentence is full-on wishful thinking). I have indeed noticed that a lot of trans spaces can be… hugbox-y, and if someone asks for comments on how they look, those tend to be just positive, even if the person in question looks… well… let’s say not quite as gorgeous as the comments suggest.
The reason for this tends to be twofold: 1) being kind to the person, and 2) having the sense of not wanting to hurt someone who’s probably feeling vulnerable. Is this harmful in the long run, or would it be more harmful to be direct and fully honest? I suppose it depends on the situation, but I personally think that being very blunt would do little good and a lot of damage for the most part.
Besides, there’s a third option: if you can’t say anything kind and affirming and mean it, just say nothing. It’s easy in online spaces.
And there’s even a fourth option, perhaps: give a constructive comment if you can. E.g. be kind, while suggesting some improvement to the person in a way that isn’t disparaging. It can be done.
But something here deserves particular attention: namely, the first sentence in the quoted segment. Let’s get back to it.
Nobody sees transwomen as women, not even other transwomen.
Here we have a claim that is both general (even perhaps absolute, if meant literally), and one that presumes to know the minds of all other humans.
You know, this sort of reasoning reminds me of things trans people sometimes think, when they’re at their lowest and especially pre-transition or early in their transition. But this sort of doubt largely comes with either not having social support, or being uncertain in it. Not to mention going through depression, which can distort your thinking and lead you to dark places.
Thing is, we can’t really be certain of what other people think. I don’t mean just the sorts of claims this gender-critter made here; I mean in general. For instance, I can never be certain how people really see me as a trans woman, simply because I don’t have access to their minds. For all I know, everyone really might just be patronizing me and “being kind” to the crazy gender-confused person, including the other crazy gender-confused people in my life.
But there is such a thing as knowing something “beyond a reasonable doubt.” And knowing someone well enough that you trust them.
Might it turn out that you misjudged them, and that the trust was misplaced? Sure. But for most people, that doesn’t happen very often. Especially if they are a decent enough judge of character, or can predict people’s reactions well enough.
Still, while we can feel 99,9% certain in our assessment of our friends or partners or family members, it can never truly be 100%. Buuuut… there’s this one person whom we can be sure of what they think.
That person is ourselves.
I may not be able to read other people’s minds, but I live in my own, so I know my own views for certain, at least.
So, as a trans woman, I know that “Nobody sees transwomen as women, not even other transwomen.” is an untrue statement — for the simple reason that I see other trans women as “real” women. Not just in some ‘philosophical’ sense, but even in a very physical way — see here for what I mean by that.
If I think this way, then it seems likely some other people do as well, at least. Sure, I might be the only one in the world like that, but I doubt it. To paraphrase a certain someone… “I think, therefore I am, therefore we are.”
It’s not my view that requires the frankly extraordinary belief that everyone else is being dishonest and just pretending to mean what they say, for the sake of prestige or avoiding censure or violence. No, that would be the gender-critical view: it’s you gender-critters who insist that nobody really says what they mean, and are secretly using you or laughing at you.
Which brings us to the part where I wish to address @itsnotaboutewe’s seeing of female socialization and how she understands people around her… since this is getting long, I’ll do another post after this one.
