Our oldest has fallen so far away from the family that he causes much stress. Stress over whether or not to invite him to gatherings, whether or not he will come, whether or not we will offend him (spoiler, we will), whether or not I will have to ask him to leave, whether or not I will be able to function to attend other gatherings after seeing him. All of this stress makes the holidays a time I want to escape.

So, we did. The four of us went on the vacation that we had planned for the five of us. We were incomplete.

We enjoyed the ocean and all its power but missed the excitement that he has for marine life. We encountered vibrant birds and unique mammals but missed his knowledge of animals to explain the details of each creature. We toured ancient ruins and learned about civilizations past, but I found myself longing for his inquisitiveness. The meals together, laughter, and new inside jokes are all memories to cherish. But something is missing from it all.

He was supposed to be with us. He was supposed to be a part of the memories. He was supposed to bond with us. It was supposed to be our one big vacation before they all start going their own ways in life.

But he has already gone his own way. In fact, "he" doesn't even exist right now. "He" believes he is a "she." How can I both miss him and need to escape him? I guess it is him I miss and "her" I need to escape.