@Vgal #214999
this lack of formative experiences (even if they’re negative) translates to ignorance on my part, ignorance about very basic and near-universal things for women.
I get what you're saying here. But that ignorance isn't your fault. You haven't been wilfully ignorant - you've simply not had a set of experiences that would, in a way, be helpful to settling in as a woman.
I don’t want to make others uncomfortable. I don’t want to step on other people’s unhealed trauma
I very much appreciate that. It's a tricky one. I read something about this the other week, about the dynamics of being a trans woman using womens' spaces - support groups, toilets, that sort of thing. It's definitely a conundrum and I wish there was a straightforward solution for you, but I don't know if there is. Purely out of interest, and I say this because my local womens' group, Bristol Womens' Voice, are explicitly trans inclusionary, does a statement from organisers that events are trans inclusive help matters? Thing is, so far, I haven't seen womens' changing rooms or toilets do that very much. We have a cinema called The Watershed here, who deliberately made all-gender toilets, so that's one example I can think of, but I don't know if any sports centres/gyms, clothing shops, or anywhere like that have taken this up yet.
But yeah - I remember from that article that it's not simple just going to any womens' space if you're trans. If you go to the women's space, other women there might have trauma around men invading their space, and if you go to a mens' space, you may be physically in danger yourself from some of those men. It makes sense that for your own personal safety you'd go to the womens' space (and, you know, because you theoretically should belong there), but it's still not a perfect solution. I feel for you on this.
You're holding a lot of space for other people in all of this, and putting yourself last. I realise that's out of necessity because of the situation, but I just wanted to acknowledge that.
Oh, I could tell you stories.
Oh Jesus, I bet you could!
It is painful, yeah. But I’m reluctant to complain about it too much when there are people, especially women, who would kill for that sort of invisibility.
I mean, it's all very subjective. Even with my own experiences I can see that. It remains important that you and I can accommodate the gap between our respective experiences.
And thanks for the advice, though I’m of course skeptical of its efficacy. Having a bit more positive energy is not enough; I feel a lot more would have to be different about me for anyone to even consider me as a partner, and frankly, I’m not sure I’ll have the energy or bandwidth or desire to change myself that much.
Thinking about our conversation so far, I realise I've been a Pollyanna about the trans experience, and I don't think that's helpful. Please do excuse me. With my own upbringing and general experiences, I've had to be relentless, and I've found being upbeat and on the optimistic end of the spectrum has made that relentlessness more pleasant, but that's not particularly helpful when exploring trans issues. That's my big takeaway from this whole conversation.
But that’s the thing… next to something like that, what right do I have to complain?
Every right! The stuff that happened to me, shouldn't happen to anyone. And you, you're just striving for something that'll make you happy, but the way our society is set up, that path automatically comes with lots of roadblocks. Yes, you're exploring your womanly self as an adult, with agency to make different choices; I didn't get to choose much with those childhood experiences. I do not begrudge you the right to complain about what you're going through. After all, it's a human thing to need to moan about stuff from time to time, and sometimes, your "complaining" will involve exploring the parameters of the problems you're facing so that you can find a way through. That's the best any of us can do.