I know what I am and it's clear you do too. I'm not the one with the insatiable need for external validation.
This got me thinking. Not in any sort of “they have a point” sense (they don’t), but rather in a way that it raises something that keeps coming up.
Need for external validation.
Has anyone noticed how TERFs tend to emphasize normalcy, fitting in and not being ‘special’ a lot of the time? Sometimes wrapped up in an adherence to work ethic and similar social norms?
Then there’s the “I am independent, tough, don’t give a fuck and don’t need anyone’s validation”, overtones of which can be seen in the OP.
I’ve met and known some people like that. And maybe it’s irrelevant because it’s anecdotal and a small sample, but I’ve noticed something about those folks. Especially if they also regularly trash others, like TERFs tend to do.
Usually, the longer you know such “tough consummate professionals” and the more you see of them, the cracks increasingly become visible.
Such people, they didn’t become like that out of nowhere. Oftentimes, it’s a long-standing adaptation to a harsh life, a sort of defense mechanism.
Such people are made through trauma.
And they think they’re above it all, that they have risen above — above their scars, their limitations, and above those morons that they so love to denigrate.
But that’s not true. Not really.
They learned to hide their vulnerability. They push themselves hard, and are often dismissive of those they perceive as less responsible. Sometimes for valid reasons, sometimes not.
But that doesn’t mean they aren’t vulnerable, cracked and hurting inside. It might just mean that they repress it… and that’s not healthy. It might mean they refuse to acknowledge their own mental and emotional difficulties, refuse to seek therapy when it’s needed… and eventually they might even snap.
I began this post by saying that the sneering towards an “insatiable need for external validation” got me thinking.
Well… I’m sure we can all agree that there are plenty of people who have an excessive need for external validation. It’s another unhealthy habit or need.
But of course, I would disagree that this is a problem trans people generally have. At least not an insatiable need.
However, a need for external validation as such is not a bad thing.
In fact, I’d go so far as to say that it’s an essential part of being a healthy human being. Of course, there can always be exceptions, but I’d say that what I mentioned is generally the case.
Humans need external validation because we are social beings. Generally speaking, we need connection with other human beings. Some of us more, some less… but even introverts need it to an extent.
In order to have that connection, we need other people — especially friends and family — to recognize us for who we are. To see us as the complicated beings with a rich internal life that we truly are, rather than just some surface impression they may have about us.
We have a need to be seen, believed, acknowledged and cherished for who we are.
That… is an aspect of external validation.
And when that validation is missing, or even worse, when it’s actively denied, we suffer. Even if we’d rather not show it.
It hurts most when those close to us — especially those we love — withhold or refuse that validation. Or even just not give it because they’re too ignorant to notice core aspects of our being or needs that we have as emotional beings.
But that also goes, to a lesser extent, with people we know less or not at all. It’s normal to want to be acknowledged, not put into a box you don’t belong in, and seen as a valid person just as you internally are.
Deep down, many of us are squishy, gentle and fearful beings who have been hurt, and can be hurt.
Some of us grow an armor around that core. Some grow spikes. Some throw up a shield of bravado and no fucks to give.
And a few truly manage not to give a fuck. But others fake it, yet never quite make it.
And some of us never manage to armor ourselves… and might be eaten alive because of it. Because the world is harsh, and so are many people. Even the ones who think they’re not.
But we all need external validation. Because we’re small, and not islands, and we’re in need of love.
