Welcome to Fundies Say the Darndest Things

You’re looking at an archive of the most hilarious, bizarre, ignorant, bigoted, and terrifying quotes from fundies all over the internet.

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indynd #sexist cracked.com

Most women don't get python. It's not some genius level thing that's beyond a woman's grasp. It's just a special kind of stupid that clicks for guys.

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actual pedophile #fundie cracked.com

You have to learn to disassociate your thinking of pedophilia with hurting or abusing children. You have been brought up to, not talk to strangers etc when you was a child because your parents who think pedos hurt children passed that idea on to you & now your mind is confused ...

The truth is, some people do hurt children but the majority of pedophiles (paedophile is latin for child lover -- paed=child & phile=love) love children and would not hurt them or harm them in any way."

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BigJim1975 #fundie cracked.com

Does it matter that Barack Obama went to a militant racist church in Chicago for 20 years? Does it matter that Al Gore misquoted the Bible? No, for you poor millenials, it matters that Trump isn't Christian enough for you only because you oppose him. This is a generation that engages in sex like it means nothing and gathers in mobs to burn down cities. You believe trangenderism is real, and get triggered when the wind blows. Real Christians.

Just stfu, sad people.

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LockednLoaded #fundie cracked.com

Super amused that the legally armed freedom fighting patriots in Oregon who reclaimed public land from the tyrannical the federal building were left out.

The people they initially said they were doing it for have betrayed them like anti-american cowards. The police haven't bothered trying to open a dialogue with them. The FBI is pretty much ignoring them. Becaause they are doing nothing illegal.

Hell, they couldn't even make it into a a Cracked article featuring the 14 most insane things from the previous couple weeks because the Cracked staff and readers are a bunch of liberal SWJ cucks.

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Huskar #fundie cracked.com

Lieberals are essentially Muslims. They have fully adopted the Muslim way of thinking, acting, communicating, lifestyle, and dealing with those who disagree with their lies. Lieberals are supportive of every fundamental feature of the Muslime way of life, only they switched some of them around for teh lulz(burkas and subservience for men instead of women). Every post critical of Islam gathers dozens of downvotes on libtard vipers nests, whereas identical posts that substitute "islam" for "christianity" gather dozens of upvotes. They are hell-bent on destroying monogamy and promoting pederasty in the family unit, cornerstones of any Muslim society. Their perception of the truth is any statement that is supported with the loudest yelling and poop-throwing from their side, whereas the slightest disagreement from the other side is deserving of utmost repressive measures - the typical Muslim debating tactic.

Be aware that when arguing with lieberals, you're actually talking to proto-Muslims. Accepting the veracity of koran and the pedoprophet will be a pure formality for them, and you won't even notice the moment when millions of your "ultra-progressive" compatriots convert to the "religion of peace" and begin stoning you for wearing a cross.

P.S. After I wrote my comment, Canadian shitlib PM (Frenchfag to boot) read my comment and decided to prove me wrong.

Lieberal = Muslim

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BallSackio #fundie cracked.com

Yes!

That or sent to some sort of facility where they aren't as much of a burden on their families.

Being saddled with an autistic child seems like a nightmare, there is nothing positive about keeping a husk of a person around only because it's currently illegal to have them euthanized.

I don't understand why people delude themselves into seeing a positive side to caring for autistic people, it seems like bad news all around to find out a child is defective like that.

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Nephre #conspiracy cracked.com

[5 Logical Fallacies That Make You Wrong More Than You Think]

What a disingenuous manner of presenting sound science. You begin with 911 and birth certificate topics asserting that each is "debunked" when this is untrue. Careful examination of the birth certificate shown to the public showed kerning - a capability that was _impossible_ at the time of the future President's birth. This is not supposition, this is pure fact - pure data - undeniable and solid evidence of tampering and falsification of the record for the public. To an idiot, this fact is irrelevant. One's politics or beliefs have _nothing_ to do with this fact, and the fact is now irrefutable do to the wide distribution of the falsified document. So _you_, using your own twisted logic, present these examples (neither of which has been debunked) as evidence of the unscientific reasoning of people? Interesting. It is precisely the "genetic flaw" - a well-known flaw of logic known to real scientists as opposed to inept pop-art writers LOL.

[After people ignore his drivel]

Not surprised, apparently Cracked, lacking in any real integrity or commitment to publishing truthfully, already took down my critique of this article - namely that it is a lie. One needs only read the first references to 911 and the birth certificate topics, neither of which has ever been debunked. As I mentioned in the previous comment, the birth certificate shown to the public had kerning - a capability that was impossible at the time of the future president's birth. This showed clearly that the document that was shown to us was fake. This is not a matter that is subject to one's politics or beliefs - a simple fact - the very substance of science itself - data, fact. Thus, the examples used in this article represent a terrible effort to deceive (or complete scientific incompetence). Please see the examples provided below in the list of logical fallacies, which identify this article as belonging to the Strawman fallacy.

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cdandrews09 #fundie cracked.com

You are spot on ButterPirate! Don't worry, they all ganged up on me, too. Called me names, bigot being an all-time favorite. This is typical of this type of "anything goes crowd". They resort to name-calling and spewing hate, the very thing they accuse those who don't agree with homosexuality of being.

Homosexuality is not natural, even in the animal kingdom. Penises are made to work with vaginas. It is the only way the human race procreates, even if it's a test tube baby you need sperm and egg. After all, isn't one of a species main purpose to survive and reproduce? According to Darwin's survival of the fittest, where only species that exhibit survivable traits, maybe homosexuality is a way of weeding out the bad genes. No, I'm not saying that out of hate. And I don't believe in Darwinian evolution. I'm only exposing the ludicrousity of the argument that homosexuality is natural bc animals do it.

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Vomit #fundie cracked.com

[Comment on A 30-Second Guide to How the Gay Marriage Ruling Affects You]


"Does not affect you in any way" ...

Unless you own a business, work for a business, are in the public eye, aren't in the public eye, speak and breathe - you can and will be personally targeted with the loss of your job, public browbeating, and sued into oblivion and bankruptcy in you commit the crime of being (GASP) a supporter of traditional marriage.

Is 'Wong" willfully stupid? . We already know he fires writers who dare stray away from his wackjob politics.

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avy Davy #conspiracy cracked.com

Now, maybe all this is a dream I had... I've worked for Adult Day Training facilities (or laymen's terms, schools for the mentally challenged, i.e., retarded people) and group homes. Some of these people had notes right in their files signed by M.D.s saying they were not mentally competent enough to vote. Yet, low and behold, somehow they were all able to participate in elections! For those people with the mentality of a 6 month old, well, some of the office staff were nice enough to fill in the ballots for these people, provided by the local Supervisor of Elections. Imagine that. Considering the director was a big supporter of the G.O.P., well...you figure it out. At many nursing homes all across the country, there are people who don't know what planet they're on anymore...yet somehow these people know how to fill out an absentee ballot (and by that I mean, some CNA or Nurse fills it out). There are thousands of group homes, nursing homes, ADTs all across the country. Lather, rinse, repeat...and you have a lot of voter fraud going on in every election! And granted, requiring photo I.D.s may not actually be a deterrent in these cases, but it might help stop others.

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stupiddoughnut #conspiracy cracked.com

The article is a bit misleading on #2. The original unfinished pyramid and an eye in a triangle "surrounded by a glory" (otherwise known as the Eye of Providence) are featured on the reverse side of the Great Seal of the United States. The pyramid signifies strength and duration: The Eye over it and the motto allude to the many signal interpositions of providence in favor of the American cause. The date underneath and the words under it signify the beginning of the new American era commencing from that date, according to the official description.The seal is a sort of official stamp that's used to imprint the front side image (The eagle clutching a sheaf of 13 arrows and some sort of obsolete plant) onto impotent official type documents. The seal was created in 1782.
In 1935, while trying to pull the country out of the Great Depression, FDR and company decided to use both the front and the reverse of the seal on the back of the new one dollar bill. By that point in time the Eye, symbolizing the holy trinity and dating to at least the 16th century, and pyramid had been adopted into modern freemasonry and were an appealing choice for Frank "Skull and Bones" Roosevelt and his resurgent "New Deal" Democratic party for their enduring and providential symbolism. As such, they are very much a symbol of a "new deal" and a new order or way of conducting financial business (not going into that here). At least, in 1935 they were.

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shellbell #conspiracy cracked.com

[Conspiracy theorist rediculed, another one posts giant text wall in retaliation]

I'll have to agree with you for the most part. In fact, the term "conspiracy theory/theorist" was invented and popularized by the CIA to discount anyone who had any questions about the JFK assassination and discount any alternative ideas regarding his death, because so many people didn't believe that either Oswald was the one who killed him or that he acted alone. More than half of Americans didn't believe the official story at the time and for decades afterward, and even today, many people don't believe it. And there have been many people of importance who have come out since who have said they doubt the official story and tell their experiences, such as medical workers at the hospital he was taken to in Texas after he was shot, a doctor stated that he had a bullet wound in his throat where they apparently placed the trach tube, which he saw before they placed it there, and at least one person on the Warren committee has come out and told how the CIA blocked testimony and other things, like refusing to answer questions and not allowing certain witnesses to testify and such. And the CIA planted hundreds of assets inside major media outlets, and in fact, there are still CIA plants within media outlets to this day (though it's usually not a secret, many are openly on the payroll as "experts"). Now, there are some conspiracy theories that are just a bit too out there for me, like the moon landing one, but there is no reason to totally discount all of them. For instance, it's totally possible that 9/11 was a set up, that they might have allowed it to happen for political reasons to start war, helped plan it, etc. For instance, some of the hijackers were on the CIA payroll. The Iraq War was planned BEFORE 9/11. And they needed a reason to invade Afghanistan too, because prior to 9/11, there was a plan being made with the Taliban to let Americans come in and lay down a country-wide gas pipeline but the Taliban turned around and ended the deal at the last minute not that long before 9/11. Also, bin Laden, during the Soviet war in Afghanistan, was part of the Mujahideen and trained by the CIA. Who is to say he ever left their employment? And he was never on the FBI most wanted list for 9/11, because the FBI said they didn't have any evidence tying him to it. There are too many loose ends and questionable facts to NOT question the events. I don't believe any one conspiracy theory, but I am one to keep an open mind about conspiracies, because, as the past has shown, some conspiracy theories have been known to turn out to be real. One example are the Church hearings where it was proven that mind control experiments existed (which I believe never ended, but were just continued under another name, perhaps under a code project, for example, the new "brain map" project recently begun by the Obama administration. Just look at all the research recently that shows how one person, when connected with electrodes to the brain, can control the physical movements of another person just with thought, or ones where they can read the thoughts of a person by reading their brain waves or something like that. These experiments are done at facilities that receive public funding, and in the past were places where MK Ultra research and experiments were done. There's more proof that it continued under a drug different name and a different cover than there is that it ever ended.), they had an assassination program with exotic weapons, and that the government could read all electronic communications and hear all phone calls and even bug your house and vehicle. There's even a video of Frank Church, in the 70s, basically describing internet technology and that it already existed to a degree and was further in the works. I read a book by a CIA agent who described the early internet in the 70s that was used (and created) by the CIA. There's just too much the general public doesn't know about what various branches of the government do in secret for conspiracies, or what are now considered "conspiracy theories", not to exist to some extent. And going back to 9/11, just reading the Operation Northwoods papers, that proves that it is at least remotely possible for it to be an "inside job", as the same scenario is described as a possible attack on ourselves to convince the American public to go to war with Cuba. Oh, and there was also documents recently released by the FBI that discuss how Hitler didn't commit suicide, but instead fled to Argentina with Eva Braun. There's 200 some odd declassified documents online on the FBI's website you can read for yourselves. So not only did he survive war and fled to Argentina like so many other Nazis, the U.S. government knew it fully, and never told the public or try to catch him or anything.

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jhenry69 #fundie cracked.com

Actually this doesn't surprise me at all. The comic book industry seems to have been taken over by left-wing perverts. In a fairly recent interview Grant Morrison said he knows Batman isn't gay but he writes him as gay(but not gay) anyway. He also wants to explore Superman's 'socialist' side? No wonder the Man of Steel no longer says, "....and the American way!" at the end of his famous mantra, commies and deviants are writing for our kids. Makes me wish the Cold War was back.

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TheSoLCrew #fundie cracked.com

Why my friends of the comment section do you utter blasphemies and heresies. Do you not know that you are doing what these pseudo-Christians who wrote these books are doing. Atheist and pseudo-Jews/Christians/Muslims are two heads of the same seven headed red dragon

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JimmyHarrelson #fundie cracked.com

"The System" was designed by the rich oligarchs of this world to perpetuate their power. Public schools were created to mass produce dumbed down, brainwashed and morally corrupt debt slaves with absolute faith in government who also lack the knowledge necessary to understand their status. It's no wonder that the Bible and prayer are banned in school. Children with an understanding of right and wrong might complain about abuses like those in this article. We are living on borrowed time, because God is constantly angered by the atrocities we perpetrate on each other. As sinners, our only hope individually is to place faith in God's only Son, Jesus Christ, who gave His life on the cross as full payment for our sins, was buried three days and then resurrected.

And we know that we are of God, and the whole world lieth in wickedness. And we know that the Son of God is come, and hath given us an understanding, that we may know him that is true, and we are in him that is true, even in his Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God, and eternal life. 1 John 5:19-20

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. John 3:16-17

For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret. But all things that are reproved are made manifest by the light: for whatsoever doth make manifest is light. Wherefore he saith, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. Ephesians 5:12-14

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Some people in Bangladesh #fundie cracked.com

When I was 8 years old, I saw a pigeon poop on a Quran while we were outside doing an Islamic studies class. I showed the book to my grandma, who decided the pigeons were possessed and needed to be executed. So, some men got together and murdered all those pigeons in the name of God. We didn't know which bird actually did the pooping, so they had to kill all of them. So, you know. Just to give you an idea.

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Sledge #racist cracked.com

I think we can agree that, seeing as everything black people have came from white people, we're even on the slavery thing so can put it behind us. And "nigger" is now just a cool word for "friend." Alright, my niggers?

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Governmentsggfs #fundie cracked.com

[Holy shit, creepy guy, you just keep getting creepier. Blackmail turned into sex in exchange for goods? I thought you were opposed to prostitution?

Rape is not defined by its legality, it's defined by consent (or, more specifically, a lack thereof). Coercion is not consent. You are an awful person.]

This is just another example of how stupid an average TAC member is. I never ever said I'm opposed to prostitution. In fact, I said I would treat myself with a nice high class escort if I were wealthy. I'd take her to fancy dinners and treat her better than an average Western woman, as they are usually scum. I am all for legalizing prostitution. I don't oppose it at all, I just don't want to pay for a common prostitute and don't have enough resources to pay for a high class escort.

[Rape is not defined by its legality, it's defined by consent (or, more specifically, a lack thereof). Coercion is not consent. You are an awful person.]

Feminist nonsense. You have expanded the definition of rape so much that women are already feeling the backslash. You're the ones that are making rape a trivial thing. Soon it will be as serious as stealing a chewing gum.

Rape is sex coerced by violence or serious threats, which is a reasonable definition. Simple lack of consent does not make it rape and neither does a trivial threat. The woman needs to be made to fear for her life or health. This definition is also consistent with Common Law ("Carnal knowledge of a woman forcibly and against her will") and even with evolutionary psychology (“Human copulation resisted by the victim to the best of her ability unless such resistance would probably result in death or serious injury to her or others she commonly protects” is the definition used by Thornhill & Palmer in A Natural History of Rape).

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WTW26 #fundie cracked.com

If there was a button that would insta-kill every Muslim on this planet, I'd push it without hesitation. It's not that I don't think of them as people, it's that I think of them as evil people that stand against everything I love and value. Yes, I place my nation, my culture, and my race above anyone else's, just as I place my life above anyone else's. You think I'm a "hateful dipshit"? You think everyone, no matter what their beliefs and actions, has the right to exist? You'll be trampled underfoot by those who don't. You don't think it's right to think of your tribe first? You will be a slave to those that do. The world belongs to the intolerant, the selfish, the unapologetic and the self-righteous, always has and always will. Forget that, and you are doomed.

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vorzilla #conspiracy cracked.com

its funny how in america we have this mind state of...of if the government and CNN didnt speak about it..then it must be false..everything is some "conspiracy"...never a theory..the word alone shuts down all convo..like saying COMMY...lets not forget the assasination of JFK..is a conspiracy..well the videos show him being shot 3 times from 2 angles and we are told 1 guy with a old civil war rifle did it..hahahaha..conspiracy normally means evil things done by thiose in power that we cant fully prove
i dont know about no lizard people
but i do know 6 years ago...i saw a david Icke vid..where he explained how we would soon become a 1 party system..where all efforts and money would go to the war machine and banking system..they would bleed the country dry causing a gloBAL COLLASPE...He spoke of Obama..not directly..but in the terms of the pale horse..the great hope minority that unites the masses..aka the beast...and so far most of those predictions have come alarmingly true!!!!

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odcrl #conspiracy cracked.com

*On an article about the origins of certain urban legends*

This is why I hate this site and quit. They are always "debunking" conspiracy theories and making fun of them, using the "funny" site as a dis info agent. If anyone wants to know the reality of this occult, draconian, orwellian satanic world; go to youtube/bringersofthetruth or vigilantcitizen

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RalstonRock #fundie cracked.com

*On a Cracked article about stupid-looking dinosaurs*

Holy s**t can't scientists ever do something cool? Look just because you were beaten up in fourth grade it doesn't mean you have to keep throwing all of these s****y dinosaurs at us. I know the dinosaurs are just made up anyway, you took random dragon bones and started rearranging them into bullshit shapes to impress your basement dwelling science friends. Next time I want you idiot paleontologists, fossilologists, and geologists to start creating a dinosaur with an ak-47 instead of a dick on it’s head, okay? Maybe the people will start supporting your bogus career. Personally, I used to humor this whole theory of evolution thing, back when science was all about atomic explosions and curing smallpox. These days, science is about the Earth getting colder and dinosaurs looking increasingly stupider. What a crock of shit. This is why I support creationism, there are no surprises and everything is based on fact. You know, facts like reptiles have scales, birds have feathers. This isn’t Harry Potter, you can’t just shove two random animals together and call it a “hippogriff.” It’s a disgrace.

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Sabretruthtiger #conspiracy cracked.com

It's amazing that there are people out there that believe in Aliens and bigfoot yet refuse to believe the scientifically proven fact that 911 was a controlled demolition.
Similarly, these people will happily bash Christanity calling it un scientific, irrational belief (I'm not Christian merely making a point) yet fervently belief in the biggest fairytale religion of them all, man made global warming. Anthropogenic global warming has ZERO evidence supporting it and a mountain of evidence against it. I believe the film idiocracy is coming true.

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wildcardlx #fundie cracked.com

HAHAHAHA! Jesus' comments on abortion?! How pathetic!!! Do you really think the SON of GOD would support Roe. vs. Wade's decision?!! Hahaha. I pray to God that those who support such a heinous practice burn in HELL. You will. I promise. Christianity is the one and only true religion. Any one who destroys human life to ensure that minorities in the U.S. can potentially live "prosperous" lives will pay for their sins. I have known woman who have had multiple abortions. I told them right to their face that they will BURN IN HELL. There are some lines that a man should not be willing to be cross. If you are willing to kill for wealth, then you will never find any kind of prosperity because God will curse you.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_18539_7-lost-bodies-work-that-would-have-changed-everything_p2.html#ixzz0vDF5WTxm

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hoipolloi20 #conspiracy cracked.com

i think 9/11 has probably got to be the flimsiest story ever pushed by the news media.

aluminum airplanes entering into and undermining the steel structure of, while subsequently being destroyed by the World Trade Center???

gimme a break. check out septemberclues.info

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whistlerx86 #fundie cracked.com

No. Homosexuality, soon, will become something normal, natural and not a disgrace that it is. Our kids learn much more from tv and street people, than from parents or church. This is what i meant.


[Homosexuality is not a disgrace in any way either. What is wrong with it?]

"what is wrong with it?" Well, i guess that you don't believe in God. Or you don't believe in normality. You don't even believe in the dictionary... search marriage in it. This is not about love, it's about lust and perversion. It's nothing wrong in a man loving a man, but not in a sexual way. Soon there will be a media war, that will say that people like me are against love, that is not true. Maybe you'll understand when your son/daughter will come home with his/her choice and it will be the same sex.

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user #fundie cracked.com

[fundie + conspiracy combo.]

I know this sounds paranoid but what if let's say a group of people decided they wanted to do something big, something huge even, let's say they wanted to metaphorically kill God by destroying Religion I mean have you ever noticed that there far more atheists on the internet than you see in real life? were you a Christian when you first started surfing the internet browsing message boards and what not? are you now? have you ever doubted your Religion based on comments atheists have said? bottom line what if all that is a conspiracy? and if you're wondering what this has to do with this article than what if they could use the same methods they use to get you to buy something to turn into an atheist?

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Bob #fundie cracked.com

[about an anti-gay ad from the 1950s]

Wow, think of the good old days in the fifties when people could tell the truth about homosexuals--that they're disease-ridden, never monogamous, and ALL turn to pedophilia. You can't say that stuff today, of course, despite the fact that it's still true. Imagine if we had to pretend there was nothing wrong or dangerous about (other) sociopaths or people with schizophrenia.