Welcome to Fundies Say the Darndest Things

You’re looking at an archive of the most hilarious, bizarre, ignorant, bigoted, and terrifying quotes from fundies all over the internet.

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Chris Cantwell #racist #psycho rollingstone.com

(Hey all, Weepy Bitch is threatening to totes annihilate the eeeeeevil Left if they don’t stop upholding laws and prosecuting weak-willed murderers!)

Chris Cantwell, a.k.a. the “Crying Nazi,” responded to the conviction of James Fields, who was found guilty of first-degree murder for plowing a car into protesters in Charlottesville, by threatening “complete and total destruction” of “Charlottesville and the broad left” in a post on social network Gab.

On Friday, Fields, who killed paralegal and civil rights activist Heather Heyer, was convicted of first-degree murder as well as hit and run and aggravated malicious wounding of eight of the 35 people who were injured by his vehicle. Fields had driven from his home in Ohio to Charlottesville to attend the 2017 “Unite the Right” rally, organized by white supremacist nationalists.

In his post, Cantwell claimed the conviction would create “an army of fanatics who are ready to die” and “drive us toward [Charlottesville and the left’s] complete and total destruction, as a matter of necessity for our very survival.” But, contrarily, Cantwell also distanced himself and his followers from Fields, describing him as as “best as I can tell… a good, if troubled man” but claimed he was “not a soldier” in their movement. Because apparently “good, if troubled” men intentionally send their car careening into a crowd of innocent people.

Cantwell earned the nickname of the “Crying Nazi” when he posted a video of himself crying when he learned there was a warrant out for his arrest for his role in the violence in Charlottesville. “One minute I’m a fucking white supremacist terrorist and the next minute I’m a fucking crybaby?” he whined to The Daily Beast in an interview after his arrest. “I’m a goddamn human being.”

In May, he claimed to be an FBI informant, although the claim appears to be unsubstantiated. Cantwell was also banned from dating platform OkCupid “for life” after his profile went viral in the wake of the Charlottesville rally.

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Geo T #fundie rollingstone.com

[Comment on article about 50 Cent being arrested in St. Kitts for violating nation's law on public profanity]

The minor expletive "cRap" describes most of this antisocial, crime-perpetuating music. St. Kitts seems to understand that some "free speech" has moral consequences. I wish America had similar restrictions to discourage chronic ghetto attitudes.

Kids who grow up listening to foulness end up foul in most cases, or with just a veneer of adapting to moral society. They invariably tangle wit da PO-lice and blame everyone but themselves for the consequences. Gangsta rap claims to "reflect society" but it creates and exacerbates people's worst traits. Which came first, the rap or the crap?

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Roanoke, Va. mayor David Bowers #fundie rollingstone.com

I'm reminded that President Franklin D. Roosevelt felt compelled to sequester Japanese foreign nationals after the bombing of Pearl Harbor and it appears that the threat of harm to America from ISIS now is just as real and serious as that from our enemies then.

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Mike P #fundie rollingstone.com

Is it genetic? So you've actually co-authored a study to prove that hypothesis? Is that why it continues to increase? Is that why the first cases were diagnosed 4 years after vaccines arrived in the1930s? Its very easy to say its genetics as a cop out. Perhaps predisposed genetics play a role. Nevertheless, vaccines are still the catalyst. Autism isn't down syndrome. THAT is genetic in nature. Autism is physiological in nature and only brought on by an influence. Perhaps environmental, perhaps certain ingredients in vaccines. Studies do show aluminum's relationship to depletion of neurological function that does mimic what we see in autistic children. It IS rather of poor taste for you to blame it on pure genetics while mocking parents who witness their children regress in the days and weeks following a vaccination.

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Krinks #fundie rollingstone.com

I know the Japanese have eliminated autism by eliminated compound vaccines with dangerous preservatives, giving them one at a time (Measles instead of MMR), far apart, and not until after 3 years old. Of course the Japanese care about their people more than corporate profit.

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Constance Oftruth #fundie rollingstone.com

Let me just weigh in here with an absolute. Homosexuality is absolutely wrong. It is absolutely sinful, and it is not to be promoted or tolerated.

The school has no business encouraging any type perverted sexuality or sexual act. That is specifically, homosexuality, bestiality, necrophilia, pedophilia, incest, adultery, rape or fornication. Those of us who have a basic understanding of godly principles understand relatively well how DESTRUCTIVE and HARMFUL perverted lifestyle choices actually are. Not only do they invoke the wrath of God, (HIV, syphilis, gonorrhrea, chlamydia, etc), but sexual perversion destroys marriages, which in turn decimates a healthy family structure, which in fact leads to structurally and morally unsound community.

Also, for those who don't understand that homosexual acts DO in fact change a child or person that is heterosexual, I will correct you by informing you that there are literally THOUSANDS of homosexuals who share that the reason that they are currently practicing homosexuality and or suffering under homosexual urges is because of sexual abuse and molestation committed against them by other homosexual adults AND HOMOSEXUAL CHILDREN. When these types of acts are committed during a child's sexually formative years, a child who is growing up naturally as a heterosexual suffers a sexual mutation into homosexuality. That is a fact that is often exploited by homosexual offenders who have an appetite for more homosexual partners.

So before the ungodly, immoral, sexually depraved liberals of the world think they have any kind of valid points, try working with children who are bleeding due to the sexual abuse that they have suffered from older homosexuals. Talk the to the men and women who have been raped by same sex offenders. If they survive the attacks, they are often deeply depressed and suicidal due to the horrible, destructive nature of the offense. If we are to be truly humane and decent, we can't ignore this truth for the sake of any heavily weighted, lopsided argument favoring the homosexual lifestyle.

Homosexuality is a beastly and demonic spirit. It is not harmless. And it is absolutely not simply a matter of "opinion." Finally, should you be a nonbeliever who chooses to spit hatred and anger, vitriol and lies at me because of this post, let me tell you that I expect it. What else can the world offer by vileness and evil, violence and hatred? I EXPECT the worst of you.

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Sidney Allen Johnson #fundie rollingstone.com

The homosexuals are the bullies. Less than 2% of the population is coercing the rest of us into following their agenda. These story is the one Rolling Stone wants you to hear. Just as certainly as they want you to believe that Jerry Sandusky is a pedophile when he is in fact a homosexual pederast. Who are the real victims? Teens led to believe that they are homosexual by tolerant people who say its ok to be that way? Or teens who are raped and told to keep quiet? Unfortunately the answer is both. As raped teens are "bullied" into thinking its their fault they are raped. If they weren't "gay" they wouldn't have been raped in the first place. Tolerance is the devil's best weapon. When you open the box of homosexuality you let out an evil you can't control. I know you children have been led to believe there is no such thing as evil...you should question that. Rolling Stone is no authority on anything.

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GlobalWarmingScam #fundie rollingstone.com

"Global warming is a pretty solid reality."

It's pretty solid as you stated; global cooling is also pretty solid reality -- don't you agree? That's what climate do, it changes, don't you agree? This line of argument gets you nowhere.

It still baffles me how 41% of US population still believe in this bogus AGW.

To the great Sen. Inhofe, you have 59% of America behind you. We support you in every way in debunking this scam. As long as truth is on your side, no one can knock you down. You are a great American -- you are the Galileo of your time.

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Matt Taibbi #fundie rollingstone.com

(Matt Taibbi, reporter for Rolling Stone, is undercover at a "revival weekend" sponsored by John Hagee's church in San Antonio, Texas)

"In the name of Jesus Christ, I cast out the demon of cancer!" said Fortenberry.

"Oooh! Unnh! Unnnnnh!" wailed a woman in the front row.

"Bleeech!" puked the bald man behind me.

Within about a minute after that, the whole chapel erupted in pandemonium. About half the men and three-fourths of the women were writhing around and either play-puking or screaming. Not wanting to be a bad sport, I raised my hand for one of the life coaches to see.

"Need . . . a . . . bag," I said as he came over.

He handed me a bag.

"In the name of Jesus, I cast out the demon of handwriting analysis!" shouted Fortenberry.

Handwriting analysis? I jammed the bag over my mouth and started coughing, then went into a very real convulsion of disbelief as I listened to this astounding list, half-laughing and half-retching.

"In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, I cast out the demon of the intellect!" Fortenberry continued. "In the name of Jesus, I cast out the demon of anal fissures!"

Cough, cough!

The minutes raced by. Wayne Williams was now fully prostrate, held up only by a trio of coaches, each of whom took part of his writhing body and propped it up. Another bald man in the front of the chapel was now freaking out in Linda Blair fashion, roaring and making horrific demon noises.

"Rum-balakasha-oom!" shouted Fortenberry in tongues, waving a hand in front of Linda Blair Man. "Cooom-balakasha-froom! In the name of Jesus Christ, I cast out the demon of philosophy!"

Philosophy?

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Mike Huckabee #fundie rollingstone.com

(I suggest you read the whole thing)

"If anybody wants to believe that they are the descendants of a primate, they are certainly welcome to do it."

...

"If you're with Jesus Christ, we know how it turns out in the final moment," he said. "I've read the last chapter in the book, and we do end up winning."

..."When I press him on whether he believes all non-Christians are eternally damned, Huckabee is evasive. "Being president isn't about picking who goes to heaven and who goes to hell," he says. When none other than Bill O'Reilly hammered him on the same point a day later, Huckabee conceded that "I believe Jesus is the way to heaven."

...One of his first acts as governor was to block Medicaid from funding an abortion for a mentally retarded teen­ager who had been raped by her stepfather — an act in direct violation of federal law, which requires states to pay for abortions in cases of rape. "The state didn't fund a single such abortion while Huckabee was governor," says Dr. William Harrison of the Fayetteville Women's Clinic. "Zero."

..."Science changes with every generation and with new discoveries, and God doesn't," he says. "So I'll stick with God if the two are in conflict."

...At one appearance, Huckabee — who's been known to make fart jokes in front of the state legislature — said he would oppose gay marriage "until Moses comes down with two stone tablets from Brokeback Mountain saying he's changed the rules." And he recently scored a rare offend trifecta, simultaneously pissing off immigrants, Jews and the pro-choice crowd when he ludicrously claimed that a "holocaust" of abortions had ­artificially created a demand for Mexican labor.